TRACES

The process of reinventing oneself is a lifelong journey, one in which I have always enthusiastically engaged. Even though I am so open to new beginnings, this is always a multi-faceted, complex endeavour. Even as I leap, I already know I have opened Pandora’s box. An adventure intended in one direction always diverts into a winding path, side trips, in fact. The many loops in the road take me back to where I thought I was heading, but sometimes, the detours are more enlightening than the original goal.

When I was younger, I saw external goals as a way to develop myself. Every achievement was a testament to the growth I had nurtured within to attain it. When I was younger, this approach motivated me to make great strides, not only in matters of career and quality of life, but in gaining much insight into my own identity and potential. It helped me become more confident in the areas of my focus.

Now, as I look back on the things I have done, I am grateful and proud. Yet, I know there is always more to learn. Now, it is time to look into the heart of my heart and let this guide me.

The professional objectives I set for myself required much personal growth to achieve; but this time, at nearly seventy years of age, I find that I am aligning my professional goals with my own personal development. I am not sure if this is a testament to the phase of development in which I find myself. Perhaps. Perhaps this is  what one does when one is entering what some call the third trimester of life. All I know is that at this point, whenever I consider how I will commit my time, myself, and my resources, I must first of all be sure that I am following the voice of my heart.

Unlike the other legs of my journey, this one has no road map. There is no curriculum, no projected graduation date. No one else will measure my progress or decide when I have completed the requirements.

Now, instead of building, I am shedding. All that I have done has left deep traces, but it also came with extra baggage. The core of what I learned, the skills, the wisdom, remain. These are now part of who I have become. The things I am shedding are the ones that never really fit into my heart. They are made of expectations. They are the things you accept when you take on a role, a job, a function. They allow you to fit in (somewhat), belong where you are at the time.

Now, I only belong to myself. I am releasing myself from fitting anywhere but in my own skin. It is liberating in many ways, but terrifying.